Living at the base hasn’t been always bad. The base is located at a nice neighborhood, I have my own little room with kitchen, shower, and bathroom included, and since #COVID still present in our lives it has been very convenient to wake up at the place I work. But then I fell down the stairs. And, do you know what’s the bad side of living at the base? That everyone looks.
The realization of falling before the very eyes of one of my beloved staff members filled me up with self awareness, shame, and embarrassment. My elbows tried its best to reach out towards something to hold on to – my brain probably thought that hands will grow automatically from them like an X-Men, who knows? – just to have them all scraped after the wall leaving them in a lot of pain, but not as much as my pride. The staff? Didn’t know if laugh at me or help me, and cry. Of course, I standed on my feet as quick as my butt touched the last step, and resisted the pain as a man. » #PraiseTheLord I had my mask on so he couldn’t watched my whole face.’ – I thought to myself.
This event also made me get deeper into something I’ve been thinking of: since everyone is looking I have to be very careful. Extra careful.
Before leaving the safety of my little cave I need to check up my heart to see that I’m in the right mood. I have to dress up intentionally, and make my bed even though nobody will enter my room – you know, integrity. I have to be on time, and try to live out the standard I preach. I have to check the way I behave, the things that I say, and the way that I say them. I have to try to be healthy, and live healthy which also means to eat healthy, and exercise – but to be honest I have failed miserably these past three months. I even gained some weight. What a shame! I have to spend money wisely, and pay my fees on time. I have to separate time with the Lord during my Power/Quiet Time, and encourage everyone to do it – even though many times I struggle to keep a rhythm too. I have to agree that studying a topic to teach on our schools is not a replacement to that intimate time with my God. And the list goes on and on…There’s a lot to take care of!
Honestly, some days I perform, and you know what? I realized I’m good at it! But although that’s not the best way to go, the struggle is real so I asked myself, what can I do? The ministry demands integrity, and there’s nothing to do about it. Lastly, I’ve catched up a thought in my mind saying that there’s not the same amount of grace for me to do wrong than for everyone else that’s not, you know, a director. Is this true? Well Ecclesiastes 10:1 even states that:
«As dead flies cause even a bottle of perfume to stink, so a little foolishness spoils great wisdom and honor.»
The I HAVE TOs because of the I AM doesn’t concibe falling down the stairs, for example. What a shame, and a waste of time!
But a life like this is not sustainable. And the I HAVE TOs constantly remind me to have grace on me too. I do wrong – and even fall down the stairs – just by the mere fact that I’m human. But still I HAVE TO level up. And you know what? When trying to level up I have found that I get better! And I have get better at many things since I’ve tried. The ‘demands’ of the ministry also expose bunches of opportunities to grow, and I can notice my growth! – and no, I’m not talking about my fat!
I was afraid of taking on the challenge of establishing a #YWAM base, but if I’m doing it is just because God invited me to get to know Him better through the process. That’s my only reason and my moto. And you know what? I’m loving it!
So next time you fall down the stairs, and think there’s not a chance to feel the pain, give yourself a break. Cry out if you need to, or just hold it on! Nor one or the other is bad as far as you know that even if the Lord sustains you, or let you fall, He still worthy of it all!
«God might kill me, but I have no other hope…»
– Job 13:15
UPDATE # 